Its been a while since my last post as I was busy working on different projects for different niches. I am glad I received guest posts from different people which motivated me to proceed further.
Talking about my mental health, it’s been hard to be in an elevated mood. Yes, I am on a vacation right now and it is supposed to revitalize my soul but I don’t think nothing such happened or will happen. Instead, I am more aware right now. Recently, I observed the behaviour of people around social media.
There are these people who have this urge to update something in the social media, maintain “streaks” in Snapchat, update their stories after every minute or so informing the news about their personal lives. I believe they are actually “masking” themselves to hide their insecurities.
People have lost the charm of communication because of social media. This fake interaction with people through this medium is meaningless. Well, it does serve the purpose to “connect people” but by mentally draining people, making us insecure and vulnerable I don’t think it’s worth the motto.
The irony is I am sharing this via social media. Social media has degraded my social interaction skills making me socially awkward and making me fall into the pits of social anxiety. When I try connecting my past events to this reason everything falls together like a benign continuum.
I have tried bending the rules, thinking that the phase is transitory. So, I masqueraded myself trying to be a social animal. It went well for a few weeks or so but I saw I couldn’t do it anymore. It was mentally draining for me. I couldn’t hold it any longer but I forced myself so that society could accept me to be normal.
I wanted acceptance by masquerading with that fake flesh of mine because I just desire to be among the society because, to be honest, there’s a part of me which wishes to listen to people and interact. I observe people and try to do the same but it actually ends up getting awkward. Trust me, I have tried all I could do but haven’t been successful yet.
Here’s the situation. A psychopath who actually wants to interact with people but cannot as anxiety ruins everything. I tried going back to my usual nature by tearing off that fake flesh. I then started to realise that the real person behind that fake flesh is someone I disgust. This is why it slowly led to self-harm.
Harming myself made me feel alive as I haven’t found my “comfortable” flesh and by seeing blood drip off my arms, it helped me truly live the moment.
“This is complete lunacy!”, “Things are gonna be better” are the usual things I hear from people and these comments just slide over my head. People might call me a mentally deranged person, a lunatic, a psychopath but these comments never helped me as I cannot change myself. Trust me, I did what was within my limit but I couldn’t change things. Some people tried to change me but instead, I ended up breaking them completely. Maybe some things can never be changed.
There’s a reason why I am pouring so much of hatred on socially-interactive Post-Millennials. It’s because I envy their ability to balance their social interaction from virtual to physical. I envy their enthusiasm, social skills which seems like taking candy from a baby whereas it’s pure rocket science to me.
Sometimes I feel I should have been born and be a part of Generation X.
That’s an ideal utopia for me I guess. I would have been a better person, staying away from a thing called “social media”. People might argue that the age of Generation Z is revolutionary. Yes, it is life changing but is it revolutionary for everyone? Obviously, people won’t consider the minority lot of the Generation Z.
After trying out everything, all I can do is just question my existence making me fall into the pits of existential crisis. My only form of escape is by listening to the incredible compositions of Hans Zimmer, Ramin Djawadi, Yiruma and Yann Tiersen and being in the state of oblivion. I guess I have figured it out. I am literally half a world away. I think this is it. This is how things are going to end for me. This is how the dark side is going to win me over and the only way to numb the pain is by listening to soulful music.