Should I Kill Myself: Hi everyone. I have been writing on this website for a year confessing to everything that I have done. I may have done some horrendous things to myself which I haven’t mentioned about it yet. I now feel that I need to let it go off my chest so I plan to share one such act of mine. This post refers to suicidal thoughts which may trigger some people so consider reading ahead as a warning. I was diagnosed with hypertension at a very early age and the symptoms seen by the doctors left them speechless, “I have never seen a case like yours.“
Being a sociopath made me do crazy stuff just to overcome it. I felt trapped in a web of problems. I already had a history of self-harm which definitely is a by-product of depression and anxiety. Our human body is not built to carry too much of burden and worry. People close to me might start arguing that what I might have faced was nothing which was capable of making me suicidal at a point of time. Every human is not the same. Everyone has their own capacity to take things, and maybe I was not good at it.
Should I Kill Myself?
Having anxiety and depression is quite normal but the way we engage and think about it makes all the difference. If I really wanted to die, I wanted to feel the pain. So, I took a shaving blade, held it close to my neck. I could literally feel my external jugular vein gushing blood with great force from the inside. I was tensed, my vision got blurry and my hands and feet turned cold and numb. I kept holding the blade near my skin and started to apply pressure. My body was slowly shutting down as I was not conscious what I was doing. A lot of emotions rushed through my mind. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t scared as I felt the end was near. The very prospect of slicing off my jugular vein made me feel alive after a very long time. I was just staring at the mirror and thought what would it look like see blood squirt out of my vein and then slowly choke to death. But then, my dormant conscious side of my brain somehow crept the thought into me and whispered that it was stupid. This was probably the first time my conscious mind saved my life. I felt a chill run down my spine which made me drop the blade. The cacophonous sound of the blade striking the floor awakened me to the reality and I saw myself completely drenched with sweat, shivering and the sclera of my eyes blood red.
There were people around me who said they envied my life, they envied the comfort that I lived in. They never saw through it what “the life” actually had. By the way, I don’t give a f*ck for the world around me; but what most of the people failed to see was that I had zero f*cks for myself. This was the biggest flaw in me.
I slowly started to lose myself. I stopped going to school and intoxicated myself with depression pills. I wished I had enough courage to kill myself. I didn’t know what to do with my life anymore. I thought that I didn’t have any good quality in me and was not good enough in any aspect. I, myself felt like a burden to the society and to my family. The delight and hope slowly started to fade away.
I strongly believe in the fact that this miserable phase was important to me. The disturbing thought of “should I kill myself” was important. It was important for me to lose myself in order to find myself. I cannot say that right now I have found myself but I believe I am on the right path. My friends and family always tried to bring me to the reality but I felt comfortable living in “that” sh*thole. Slowly, as time passed by self-realisation crept in me. I started to realise that I needed to break off the manacle I was wearing and evolve myself with a completely new goal. I started counselling sessions every week which helped me tremendously. Opening up to a person and receiving professional advice was something beneficial to me which helped me break away from the “manacle”.
The next time your brain pops into the thought, “Should I kill Myself?” let your subconscious side do the work and you will know what is right and what would be wrong.
I know there are many people around the world who are struggling with themselves and has lost hope in life. I want you all to believe that there is still a spark dormant in us which will help us evolve. Always know that if you think you have no one to speak to, the Almighty is always there. Know that God loves you and is always with you. It’s within you.
“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you, he will never let the righteous fall.” Psalm 55:22
Always remember He has a plan which will bring us welfare however miserable situation you may be in. There’s always hope left and that is ensured by the Almighty.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
Imbibe the thought in you that you are capable of being something else. The very fact of returning back to the reality made me scared and then multitudinous thoughts and feelings pass through my mind, just like me dancing in my room to Jerry Lewis’ ‘Great Balls of Fire’.
I now see everything as a sign from the universe that something is off-balance which can only be rectified by me. By becoming aware of the stories, we tell ourselves concerning how we are and how the world is, we can consciously pick which stories serve us, and which should be reworked. You have the ability to revise your story just like I am being able to. It may be a tedious and a long process but the outcome is worthy. The question is: Will you do it?
Trust me in this. Things will get better. Seek help. Let people take care of you.
Cry. Scream. Break things. Wail. Do whatever you need to do. Just vent it out. It will get better. I promise.
These are not just emotions that I am writing down. These are the well-experienced truths of the people and maybe your life isn’t falling apart in the first place. What I mean to say is that maybe it’s just a rearrangement of something better to come, something that can be life changing!
If you feel you need some motivation redirect to “Ataraxy Gained”.