“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”

~Albert Camus

My life is a trauma for me till now.

I have battled with my intense social anxiety, uncontrollable fear of people and social situations which ruined my school life. I had plenty of excuses for not going to social events. Even the anticipation triggered shockwaves of social anxiety. I worked alone with my mind, staying secluded inside my own brain without even realizing it.
I am drifting away from people unknowingly. This has made me shut down completely leading to chronic pain and depression. I can’t tell you how long I have battled with my fear. Since the beginning maybe? Well, I never questioned my fear. I always consider fear and anxiety speak the truth. Sometimes, I try to break this manacle but I always fail. So, I perceive this to be permanent. A fault which won’t fade away.
I am also sucked in by society’s portrayal of happiness. I try forgetting my sufferings and anxiety by an external source. Yes! that worked but only for a limited time. The happiness just fades away and I am again brought back to my old gloomy mood.
The more failure I meet, the more anxious I get. The more social anxiety grew in me, the less I am able to meet people. Down and down I am going, feeling empty and useless.
People perceive me as shy, quiet, withdrawn, unfriendly, aloof and disinterested. Paradoxically, I want to be open with people, be friendly and have all those other characteristics which describe an ideal human behaviour. It is always the fear that holds me back. I challenge myself to speak up but I end up acting awkward.
Let me sight an example. Since I always keep myself locked up in my room, my parents sometimes keep blabbering me to go outside and have a brisk walk but I always avoid that. I find it difficult to walk down the street because people might watch me from their windows. Worse, I might run into a person that I know and have to greet him or her. So usually, I hang my head down and walk in the night so that people don’t notice me.
No one understands the traumatic pain of social anxiety that I go through every day. I don’t want to stay chained up from this disorder. It really feels awful that I am making people read this. I never wanted anyone to know that I am afraid, but I believe this is the first preliminary step that I can take up to shut down this problem.

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