“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”
My life is a trauma for me till now.
I have battled with my intense social anxiety, uncontrollable fear of people and social situations which ruined my school life. I had plenty of excuses for not going to social events. Even the anticipation triggered shockwaves of social anxiety. I worked alone with my mind, staying secluded inside my own brain without even realizing it.
I am drifting away from people unknowingly. This has made me shut down completely leading to chronic pain and depression. I can’t tell you how long I have battled with my fear. Since the beginning maybe? Well, I never questioned my fear. I always consider fear and anxiety speak the truth. Sometimes, I try to break this manacle but I always fail. So, I perceive this to be permanent. A fault which won’t fade away.
I am also sucked in by society’s portrayal of happiness. I try forgetting my sufferings and anxiety by an external source. Yes! that worked but only for a limited time. The happiness just fades away and I am again brought back to my old gloomy mood.
The more failure I meet, the more anxious I get. The more social anxiety grew in me, the less I am able to meet people. Down and down I am going, feeling empty and useless.
People perceive me as shy, quiet, withdrawn, unfriendly, aloof and disinterested. Paradoxically, I want to be open with people, be friendly and have all those other characteristics which describe an ideal human behaviour. It is always the fear that holds me back. I challenge myself to speak up but I end up acting awkward.
Let me sight an example. Since I always keep myself locked up in my room, my parents sometimes keep blabbering me to go outside and have a brisk walk but I always avoid that. I find it difficult to walk down the street because people might watch me from their windows. Worse, I might run into a person that I know and have to greet him or her. So usually, I hang my head down and walk in the night so that people don’t notice me.
No one understands the traumatic pain of social anxiety that I go through every day. I don’t want to stay chained up from this disorder. It really feels awful that I am making people read this. I never wanted anyone to know that I am afraid, but I believe this is the first preliminary step that I can take up to shut down this problem.
I am really glad that you have found this small fragment of the internet!
I began blogging a year ago just to attain mindfulness and peace by writing and sharing stories with the world. Through this blog, It's helping me understand myself better and helps me fulfil my desire to express my thoughts. Come join me on this magical journey!!