JUST A MEMOIR…

Portrait by Alexandra Haynak

Who else feels depression to be an important part of their lives.? You know like every thought that constantly plagues you, makes you just feel worse, every aspect negates all the positivity in you, sometimes we find a way through the exuberantly disturbing thoughts like a live wire, going through our twisted realm of existence, unable to escape, the bad ideas, eating up our sane encephalon.

Well, I have a solution to such a thing. Something that has helped me tremendously, like a guiding light, taking my concocted ideas and stuffing them in a bottle and then handing it over to someone, someone who knows you so well.

It astounds me how this “friend” of ours changed its colours, quicker than a chameleon, talking its way through our logic and sanity something that comes so naturally to it completely adept without the slightest hint of remorse.

Pushing us down, beneath us, like a tiny flame, sprouting, pushing through our insides, taking hold of our minds.

But sometimes we give in to them and sometimes we don’t. We can reap great benefits if we allow “it” to take over giving us a sense of ultimate power; what being in control really feels like. Like nothing can hold us down like we have been freed, as easy as flicking a switch, no strings attached, our minds sharper than the Richmond Addict. With no one to stop us, nothing ever breaking our confident stead, further improving our amble gait, instilling all confidence unto us.

But it all comes at a great price and it is all up to us. Most importantly it is what separates our human nature from them all, shadows that linger within us, transforming into a haze, viewing everything through our stupid logic and just for some bogus reason it just makes such perfect sense to us.

Now when I think of integrating my life with all of this nonsense, this has put through very tough times and had put me through countless hurdles, the most important of them is to be a part of the Infosys family for which I am so grateful to the other me.

“It” helped me break the shell within me, push through my self-made barriers, something for which I am very grateful. The people are just great, they mind their own business and I keep minding mine but sometimes the unexpected happens when you least expect it. A beautiful girl, that I had been keeping on for quite some time, imagine your surprise when she comes right in front you asking about your whereabouts.

Now let me tell you something very important; for someone which an extremely overactive imagination like me. Things just pause for a second. God knows what it was but the feeling was so strangely familiar. I had to search within myself, ask myself, “What had you ever done to get attention from someone like her?”

It made absolutely no sense to me and it still baffles me till date. Maybe it was just my unfamiliarity with taking someone on a date because I have never ever been on one before. That was the very fact clouded my thoughts, like a thin layer of smoke, clocking the area that always resorted to reason every time my intuition failed; and then came the raging thought, “What would happen if she were to approach me again?”

I had absolutely nothing to jumpstart my mind back up and in such dreadful scenarios, it made me want to pee all over myself. It was just that I once had this small tiny fling during my school days and it came to nothing. It was just a waste of her time and mine.

Maybe this is what flashes across my mind every time my mind ventures into such things. It was a beautiful experience but it challenges my sanity every time I think of it. It becomes so difficult to improve myself. This exists predominantly within me and makes it so difficult to improve myself like a booger-flavoured ice cream with a stale vanilla flavoured cake on top. You know I just have twenty-four hours to figure something out, sort out my mess before “it” takes complete control over me again, consuming me, eating me inside out, flushing my insides, my stomach making sudden knots whenever I think of it.

Maybe, just maybe, “it” could be my antidote and cure me of this never-ending torture that I bring on myself every time because somewhere deep within me, I have this insane thought within residing and growing, expanding every time. The passage of every long date challenges me and my will crumbles bit by bit every day. To tell you the truth I just hate changes- May it be good or bad, I just don’t care I want everything to be constant and absolute.

Do I want to suffer? Never, but do I like it.

I am not sure.

This has become a part of me and I have to deal with it.

This is the reason I pen things down. It helps me reflect and understand myself more and then maybe it will eventually help you guys understand what people with social anxiety go through every day. It is my ultimate escapade and it might be for a few of you too.

You know an ultimate form of retribution that I fell would eventually cure me of my crazy pigmented thoughts, ridding myself of worries that take up so my part of my brain. My mind is already such a fragile thing, any minor pressure would pop it right out of its place and that would be the end of me.

It is all so difficult. It is not cool at all. I don’t want to be part of all this. My hands shake every time I look at her. It is so weird and creepy and it is so difficult you know that I feel like tearing my head. Maybe it’s rueing me and yes this has made me very conscious of myself.

My mind dwells in a constant state of chaotic turmoil which makes it even worse. It is all just a bad mindset of mine. It is pure and sheer evil, trying to get the better of me, forever and always. My blood, my feelings, my tears, my soul, I will never know what deed I had done in my past life to receive this up front. I just hate it and it baffles me. It will tell me later because I have a million more things to tell you.

 

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