ATARAXY LOST

 

Since my first post, I have been always talking about my hard times and struggles that I have faced so far in my life. This blog has helped me type down my thoughts of my cacophonic mind.

I thought I left my sorrows in my past. I thought I was finally free from my disgusting past. I was wrong.

 

Today, I sat on the balcony watching an old rusted tap just a few meters away, where water was trickling from it and all I could wonder was how nice it would be to watch blood trickle down my own arm instead of that old rusted tap.

It’s so easy for my mind to drift into nothingness. I always have this thought in my mind that how great everything would be to not wake up every day in the morning to face another day of nothingness. Sometimes, I long for “it”.

I long for a sense of safety and security. I long for a sense of true friends, someone who actually understands me, someone who could cherish me. No doubt, I had the best of friends one could have but distance makes it an issue.

 

We know what we want. We know our desires and thoughts. All I wanted is for my past to have never existed. But, thankfully I was able to cross that miserable hurdle. Still, those days bring me back unpleasant memories that I wish I could erase them from my memory. Every day is a struggle. Every day the same thought comes to my mind, “How long?”. If life is just a struggle for the survival in this world, then what is the purpose of our existence?

 

I stare at walls, blank paper, and people for sure think that I am a maniac. Why? Why do I do this? Why does my mind not give up easily? I find it very difficult to overcome the power of my mind. The endless negative thoughts keep compelling me to end everything yet I don’t. Why? I find self-harm more satisfying than counselling sessions. But, self-harm makes me repent later of my actions.

 

Social anxiety is another reason behind this. I see society as a very frightening monster from which I keep trying to get away.

 

One day one of my teachers asked me,”What do you do all day in your room?

Nothing, I just sit on my bed and ponder on things.

So, do you meditate?” She replied.

No, I just sit idle and do nothing.

But that could be considered as meditation.

I smiled and nodded, “Okay ma’am, you can call it that.

 

I haven’t found myself yet. I do not know what is my purpose. Seeing these social issues in me makes me more heartbroken.

I don’t know what I will be tomorrow.

I don’t know if I have chosen the right path. Everything is an uncertainty. I feel really stupid and dumb for seeing the cacophony in my mind.

 

I believe that things will change eventually. I just long for that day. I just long for this thing to break away. I have tried really hard holding myself and not giving up hope but sometimes it’s just out of my

bounds.

 

Right now, I am just going with the flow. Letting things happen the way it wants to. I am ready to work on it. Hope the darkest hours that I have gone through doesn’t just go into nothingness. Maybe all I need is to keep the HOPE alive.

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