ATARAXY GAINED

 

Not where you thought you would be at this stage of your life? Maybe you aspired to be an architect as a child, now you may be in a law school. Maybe your dream job is no longer within your reach, or maybe you just feel like giving up everything in this world. Whatever it is, you are not alone.

 

People are always rooted for a sole purpose. To change. They want to leave the past, give a head start but instead it is seen they keep reacting to their miserable life.

 

I don’t know what I am doing with myself. I have been writing on this blog and finding a solution to everything. Writing from the heart is sometimes just too draining. There’s a reason why I am sharing this story of woe with you. I am sure if I am experiencing it, then most of you might be experiencing the same thing as well. I want you all to come to the reality that when life gives you lemons it’s not always possible to make lemonade out of it.

 

The main problem is when my old habits and ego creep into my conscious mind. When this happens it makes me weak, foggy, worsens my health challenges and makes me take the wrong path. When the path that we have taken up is irreversible, it breaks us from the inside and stops us from working for it. What’s the use if we stop to chase that when nothing can be done about it? Sometimes it’s better we give up on the fact that perfect life cannot be achieved always.

For so long I’ve felt hindered in writing in this space. In fits and spurts, I figure out how to make a bit of something all over, however, consistency has eluded me, really well from the beginning. I go for quite a long time or months without publishing and after that report all of a sudden when I’m back. I’ve scrutinized this inconsistent way, I’ve told myself that if I need to make a big deal about my writing, I have to be predictable, consistent and create content. We know it usually doesn’t turn out to be like that. That, my friends, is procrastination and lack of encouragement.

 

Yes, I will agree to that fact that when I get inspiration, words and thoughts have a continuous flow in my mind. I totally get oblivious to my surroundings when I start writing. I start feeling good, I start to get driven by my thoughts.

 

My journey, especially the past two years, has gotten me up until now. So much recuperating, so much development, so much extension. Yet, I frequently wind up addressing why I haven’t achieved my goal yet – I have this dubious idea of arriving in a place of flawlessness where every injury is recuperated, where I have my sh*t totally arranged, I’m in perfect health. From that place, I let myself know, I’ll have the capacity to share useful tidbits that will help people.

 

This egoic addressing is interminable, and the judgment and feedback of not being “there” and of being the place I’m at, obviously, drags me down and pulls me further and further far from this innovative nirvana. It additionally conflicts with all that I’ve been taught and gained.

 

It physically feels like getting in the thick and tangled web of a mammoth insect, so thick that it gags my breath and holds me hostage, obstructs my view, overloads me and eases back me to a slither. But, I know there is an exit plan. I realize that I haven’t been wounded and bound by any creepy crawly, powerlessly caught and destined for destruction. I strolled my own way into the web, and got myself into this chaos, pushing myself more with every egoic idea that I have imagined.

 

So today I’m here. The contemplations and thoughts of my mind are not transforming into the words right now that I expected, however, they’re along comparable lines. What I know is this: since I haven’t got everything worked out, on the grounds that I haven’t arrived in that idealistic utopian paradise where I am basically a master or profoundly edified, doesn’t mean I don’t have an incentive to share. My expectation has never been to look for sympathy or offloading my burdens. I discuss my shadows and darknesses with the expectation that I can help somebody, anybody, even only a bit, in alleviating their burden alongside with me.

 

And after that, easily and smoothly, everything changes. I remind myself of my utopian paradise, that the hopeful goal, doesn’t exist – it’s just a figment or a fantasy of my imagination. There is no goal but just a never-ending adventure. I now find myself accept the reality and letting go of the pain and struggle which makes the spiderweb dissolve into nothingness. I find that I’m back on the rise, and I’m indeed living in paradise on earth.

 

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